Why Do You Need Approval from These People?

Have you ever felt afraid to say “no” out of fear of disapproval? Struggled with making decisions without someone “signing off”? How about feeling hurt when others disagree with you?

Well, I've certainly been there, and I can tell you, these behaviors have taken a toll on me in the past. They've fostered feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety, which have negatively impacted my mental health. As I inserted myself into the world, I found myself increasingly reliant on seeking external validation and approval from others, rather than trusting my intuition and judgment. I was disconnected from myself, while dependent on others' opinions for my happiness and success.

This formula brewed a concoction of anxiety and negative thoughts, which undoubtedly contributed to my declining health. So, I want to explore four external validation behaviors to watch out for. I hope that by identifying them in your life, you can make the necessary changes to connect with yourself on a deeper level and avoid repeating the mistakes I made.

Social Media Validation 📱

In today’s world, this is dangerous, especially for younger kids and teens. People will post photos or updates on social media platforms and anxiously wait for likes, comments, or shares as a value of self-worth. Growing up with Instagram, I always felt like I didn’t have enough “likes”. I would even delete a post if it didn’t get enough because I thought it made me look like a loser. But this is all a dumb game most humans choose to play. You are performing to appease others, rather than being yourself. Performing is dangerous because people will get to know you through the performance you put out online, but they have no idea who you are in real life. You’ll start to feel fear and anxiety about trying to keep up and represent the performance you put on social media in your real life. Don’t play this game, it took me a few years to get out of this spell. 

“Social media makes more sense when you view it as a place people go to perform rather than a place to communicate” - Morgan Housel

Performing for Others 🎭

Performing doesn’t stay on social media. Some people fall into the trap of performing to seek approval or validation from authority figures, peers, or romantic partners in decision-making processes or daily interactions. This is particularly prevalent in the dating scene. Many dudes when they go on dates start to put on an act to get their date to like them more. They might adopt the persona of a “bad boy” or engage in excessive self-promotion, attempting to appear cooler than they really are. Deep down, they are insecure and are afraid to be who they are. This only hurts the guy in the long run. While a performance might attract someone, it is not sustainable. Eventually, the truth emerges, and the person falls in love with the act rather than the real individual. (Assuming the act didn't scare her away after the first date). Instead of perpetuating this cycle, it’s essential to find the confidence to be genuine. Whether in romantic relationships, career pursuits, or interactions with family and friends, authenticity leads to better outcomes over time.

Material Possessions 🏎️

We all know people who seek validation through material possessions or status symbols - expensive clothing, luxury cars, or high-end gadgets - to gain admiration and approval from others. Whenever I see someone driving a Lamborghini, or flaunting a designer outfit, I wonder whether they genuinely appreciate these items or if they merely use them to seek external validation. It’s one thing to genuinely enjoy and connect with the things we own, but quite another to waste money solely for the sake of winning approval from others.

Real approval comes internally. If you love and accept yourself, you no longer feel the need to engage in extravagant behavior to impress. I don't have any hate towards those who flaunt their possessions, this behavior has persisted throughout human history. Status games are sketched into our genes. I just think it’s important to introspect and question the motives behind our decisions. By doing so, we can avoid falling into the material possession trap and find genuine satisfaction and happiness.

“We buy things we don’t need, to impress people we don’t like.” - Dave Ramsey

Conforming to Group Norms 😕

Like social media, younger kids and teens are particularly vulnerable to this phenomenon. All of us are guilty of conforming to societal or group norms, even if they conflict with personal values or beliefs, to avoid social rejection or gain acceptance or validation. Again, this problem had deep roots in our genetic makeup. Throughout most of human history, being cast out of our tribes would likely lead to our death in the wilderness, alone and vulnerable.

However, an issue arises when we conform to norms that directly oppose our core beliefs just to fit in. For example, teenagers take drugs to avoid being rejected by other teenagers. But they can’t say no because they don’t know themselves. You also see this in politics. You can’t tell me all your true beliefs line up into neat little political bundles that half the country shares with you. Your beliefs are most likely socialized and taken from your neighbors, friends, and social circles. It’s a problem because it starts to turn you into an unclear thinker.

We need a great deal of courage to start challenging our own beliefs about external validation. We were all guilty of this behavior at some point in our lives, and many of us still are. Interestingly enough, all of these behaviors are ruled by one thing: fear. We have learned from a young age to live by other’s points of view, and in the long run, it hurts us. It makes me feel insecure, anxious, and separated from the self. We keep on searching and searching to please and get validation from others when everything we need is already within us.